More advice

Way back in May, I posted my Advice to Young Couples Part 1. My main (if ungrammatical) point was "Fight Fair".

On the Mormon Coffee blog today is a re-statement of what I said, this time directed at posters to that website. They say it so well, I'm quoting it here:

Consider these two fictional examples of comments:

“I disagree with your conclusion. I don’t think it makes any sense, and here’s why.”

This is a criticism directed at an argument; it is welcome on Mormon Coffee.

“Jason, you are an idiot. You only talk about this because you hate Mormons. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

This is a criticism directed at a person; it is not part of a respectful dialog.

Christian author and speaker Greg Koukl has pointed out,

“The minute one is labeled mean-spirited simply for raising an opposing view, it cuts off debate. This simply isn’t fair. We avoid what may be a legitimate discussion by simply calling names. Worse, we compromise our ability to know the truth.

“It’s absolutely imperative that we not silence dissent in this way. We ought to learn how to argue fairly, reasonably, and graciously. We need to cultivate the ability to disagree with civility and not take opposition personally. We also must have the grace to allow our own views to be challenged with evidence, reasoning, and Scripture. Those who refuse to dispute have a very poor chance of growing in truth.”

Sound advice for young couples, and the rest of us, too.

Advice to young couples, Part 2

If you're already married, you can skip this one. If you're planning your honeymoon, read on.

Be careful with your honeymoon plans.

I strongly suggest you give careful consideration to where you go on your honeymoon. Please don't go somewhere you may never visit again. If the choices are Europe or Eureka Springs, please go to Eureka Springs. Put the money you save in a CD and visit Europe for your fifth or tenth anniversary.

Here's the reason. If you go to someplace you may never be able to visit again, you'll spend most of your honeymoon rushing around trying to see everything. After all, you'll probably never be back, so you have to see it now, right? Even worse is if you have a tour package that requires you to be in Paris on Tuesday and Berlin on Wednesday.

Go someplace nice for your honeymoon, but make it someplace that you can relax and enjoy. As odd as it sounds to you right now, you probably won't spend every minute of your honeymoon in bed. Go someplace where you can stroll down a street hand-in-hand, now and then popping into a quaint little shop. Or maybe a country inn with woodsy walking trails. Even go somplace with a few tourist attractions, but make sure that you aren't going to worry about whether you will ever see them again or not. Then, if you decide to take in an attraction on a lazy afternoon, you can do so. But if you decide to sit beside the hotel pool and talk, you can do that, too.

So what are my personal choices in this part of the country? Eureka Springs would be just about perfect. Consider the Denver or Colorado Springs area. Perhaps the Black Hills. If you like the shows, how about Branson? Las Vegas is a really inexpensive (and fun) destination if you don't gamble. Need to spend even less? Consider Omaha or Kansas City.

I hear you asking how well I followed this advice. Norma and I were married on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. My sister was home on leave from the Navy for our wedding. So, we spent one night in Hutchinson, a couple of nights at her apartment in Great Bend, a couple more at my apartment in Salina, then we went to my parents' house for the holiday. Some honeymoon, eh? And yes, we had two apartments. These days, couples move in together and then (sometimes) marry later. We had to be different. We married in November, then didn't move in together until Christmastime. Job reqirements kept us apart, but the weekends sure were a blast!

Advice for young couples, Part 1

I'm sure young couples (newly married or contemplating marriage) don't want my advice, but that's never stopped me from giving it. Herewith, my first bit of advice.

Fight Fair.

"But wait," you say. "We don't intend to ever fight." Of course you don't, but any two people are going to have differences of opinion at times. You and your mate won't always agree on everything, as impossible to believe as that is right now. When you do disagree, you have a choice to allow that to come to a knock-down-drag-out fight, or a simple bit of unpleasantness that you can get past ... and in the process become stronger in your union.

So how do you "Fight Fair"? (And yes, I know that's not good grammar. But it sounds better than "Fight Fairly".) Well, here are my rules.

1. Never make the disagreement personal. That means no name calling, no insults. Examples of illegal statements include:

• That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
• Only an idiot would think that way.
• You wouldn't say that if you had any brains.

2. Discuss only the issue on which you disagree. No bringing up of past disagreements. And especially avoid blanket statements such as, "You always ..." or "You never ...".

3. Keep your voice down, and disagree like adults. Sit down together, look each other in the eye, wait until the other person has finished a thought before you start talking, and do everything you can to make sure you're at least seeing the other person's viewpoint, even if you don't agree.

4. It's OK to let your kids see you disagree, IF you are able to do so properly. One of the great teaching moments I had with my kids was one time when my wife and I disagreed. We were sitting in the living room, discussing the matter with some enthusiasm, but not shouting. After a bit, I realized that my young children were sitting quietly, watching us with wide eyes. I realized that they hadn't ever seen us discuss something this animatedly. I turned to them, and we talked about it. I told them, "Grownups do sometimes disagree, and there's nothing wrong with that. The big thing is how they deal with it. Your mother and I love each other very much, and a disagreement isn't going to change that." We had a family "group hug", and I think they learned something that day. I hope they will remember it someday when they have a difference of opinion with a spouse.

Some couples are afraid of disagreements and avoid discussing them, fearing that they somehow mean they don't have a strong relationship. Other couples allow differences of opinion to blow way out of proportion, culminating in a shouting match, or perhaps physical violence. The proper course, in my opinion, is in the middle. Talk it out, but don't let it get out of hand.

On the lighter side, I often tell people that I handle the big decisions in our marriage, and Norma handles the little ones. Little ones: Where we should live, how we should spend our money, which jobs we have, etc.. Big ones: What to do about the war in Iraq, the illegal immigrants, Iran, the Federal deficit, etc..

Benjamin Franklin on arranged marriages

During a visit to a Moravian church at Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, Mr. Franklin inquired about their customs for arranging marriages. On being informed of how such things were handled, he says:

I objected, If the Matches are not made by the mutual Choice of the Parties, some of them may chance to be very unhappy. And so they may, answer’d my Informer, if you let the Parties choose for themselves.—Which indeed I could not deny.

Nor can I.